Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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