No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
