Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize