The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
