The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
