i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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