My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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