You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
