Your face is a jimmy john
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
