Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
