Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize