addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
