I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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