Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
