So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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