if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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