I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
