The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We just shotgunned beers for America
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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