Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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