Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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