call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
