I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
