My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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