i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Randomize
