birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
