forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
