Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
