I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
