god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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