just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
