Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
