so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
