Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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