he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
