my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
