you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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