I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
