It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
