I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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