guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
