im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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