I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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