This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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