I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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