i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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