So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
