There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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