she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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