I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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