Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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