3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
