Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
