Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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