you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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