So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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