There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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