I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
