My cat gives me a boner
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
