I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
