She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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